The true test

A lot has changed in me since I returned from the monastery.  Yet in some ways I’ve fallen back into old patterns only to realize this and struggle to figure out how to break free. The true test of my ability to find time for solitude will come in the next two months.

For as much as I was determined to keep from adding logs to the fire and leave more space for solitude and spiritual reflection/worship, it seems I had a lot of commitments for the month of September and October lined up before I went to Mepkin Abbey and other duties seem to have piled on since then. Most of my obligations are ones I gladly take on, I should note, and are for humanitarian causes that I am especially dedicated to working toward.

Yet today, looking forward at my calendar and at my to-do list, I find myself with a growing urge to gasp for air. My body feels wound up inside, my neck hurts again and my thoughts are in a jumble.

From the weekend of September 12 until October 18 I have one free weekend. And by free I mean I haven’t yet decided among three possible options:  1. visit my Grandma, uncle and friend in Northern California. 2. spend it locked up in my house with my dog and out in nature with my phone turned off.  3. wait until that weekend to decide what I need to do, because there’s bound to be some urgent thing.

If I am not careful, I will become so frenzied by my busy schedule that I will again accidentally block out my worship/spiritual growth time and solitude time, which can be one and the same.  If any of you pray and feel the urge to do so tonight,  I would welcome a sentence thrown in for my minor concern and a request that God will strengthen me.

Tonight I think I’m going to go home, take the dog for a long walk and pull out my bible and some other books and read in silence (no music, no computer, no movies). Maybe I’ll take a long bath.

I can feel my body thirsting for solitude and quiet it as if I’ve run a marathon and I see the bottle of water held out by a volunteer just a few feet ahead. Only in my case the bottle of water is time at home, and the few feet ahead is a metro and bus ride.  I just pray that my apartment is not full of noise from people that live nearby tonight.

 

The urge to purge

With the choir ending, I’m finding myself with the urge to purge.

Purge myself of clutter, drama and a busy schedule so I can focus on what’s important.

I can make these changes, but not all at once.

First, and easiest of all will be purging myself of toxic people who come with much too much drama. Note: I’m not saying that I haven’t bathed in my own share of drama. Instead, I believe I’m ready to try to turn a new leaf.

For example, I no longer mind that someone I used to call a friend has a beef with me, because I’ve apologized and there’s nothing more I can do.  Time and again I have forgiven and allowed this person back in my life but this person keeps finding ways to push me away, be angry at me and cause more drama. After a recent outburst when the person screamed out the window at me in the middle of the night spewing profanities and lies, I reached “10.”

In fact, there’s been too much drama in that friendship from the start and with my post-choir closing cleansing ritual I think that friendship will have to remain where it is — purged.

Second goal, clutter reduction.  My fight with clutter has been a life-long struggle. But I’m sick of having an excess of material items in my small apartment. I think it’s time to slowly start paring away at the clutter and keep only the things that are valuable to me and that cannot be easily replaced.

Finally and most difficult of all tasks will be to stop scheduling and committing myself to attending/planning, etc, events. I will continue to spend time with my friends and go to parties and perhaps throw them for special occasions. But I will not go out and seek new entertainment or volunteer opportunities for a while. I am also considering that when this season ends with the Shakespeare Theatre I may not sign up to volunteer next year–an easy way to trim back my commitments.

I hope that in doing these things, I will better be able to focus on what’s important in life and live a more simple life of contentment with more time for a spiritual walk with God.

 

Ode to lists

I’m a list person.

I love making lists, checking them off, re-writing them on a fresh piece of paper every morning and using them to make sure life will continue on without getting collection notice calls or realizing half way on my drive to Florida that I left the car charger for my phone on the kitchen counter.

Lists are a security blanket to mitigate my spotty short-term memory.

They are also a form of instant gratification. I get a little thrill each time I can cross off a completed item.

In fact, list making to me is a form of stress relief. If I’m worried about getting something done, I write it down and then don’t worry about it until I have time to refer to my list again.

In my love of lists I tried using the tasks application on my blackberry storm. But I’ve found it to be a cumbersome process. Moreover, I often forgot to check the list, leaving many a thing undone for weeks.

But if I have a piece of paper in my wallet or purse, all I have to do is whip it out and look it over. Hell, I can even check the list while on the phone at the grocery store.

My quest for making an organized and easy to read list is insatiable.

I try leaving rows between the items. I try putting an X on the left side of tasks when completed, but sometimes I decide to cross them off entirely.

When a list is marked up to the point that its starting to look unorganized I pull out a fresh sheet of paper and start the list over again.

Sometimes I write them in pencil so I can erase and revise at will. Note, I also have a love of sharpened no.2 pencils. Sometimes I use color-coded markers or just a blue pen. Black ink is not my friend because it doesn’t stand out enough, but if that’s all I have I’ll use a black ink pen.

Right now I’m using a legal pad. It fits nicely in my bag next to my computer. And yes, my lists are that long.

Here are some things I keep lists/spreadsheets for:

• daily to-do’s
• budget tracking
• savings for big-ticket items
• upcoming, pending, potential BeadforLife events
• upcoming travel plans (with expected dates, expenses and to-do lists to prep)
• To buy: groceries, household items
• To call, to email, to return call/emails
• Work to-do
• Story ideas for blog and for work
• Stories I’m writing/have turned in this week for work
• A camping packing list
• Packing list for flights/vacation (within US) short-term
• Long road trip packing list
• Things I want to do
• Books I want to read

In fact, by writing this and posting this blog entry I have yet another thing I can cross off my list with my sharpened no.2 pencil. Wohoo.

 

Resolved

I’m limiting myself to 10 resolutions for this year.

Financial:
1.Keep and honor a weekly running budget (i.e. self designed spreadsheets with daily spending tracking lists)
2.Pay off at least $4,000 worth of debt by this time next year. Do not use the credit card ONCE.

Household:
3. De-clutter house in next two weeks and then keep the place at a guest-visiting level of clean for the rest of the year. Maintaining my house will be at a higher priority than socializing (eegads, i hope I can hold to this).
4. Keep car clean

Health
5. Take dog for two walks every day no matter how much of a rush I am in each morning and no matter how tired I feel when I come home.
6. Make time for weekend tennis games with brother at least once a month.
7. Take advantage of free gym memberships and exercise at least twice a week, no excuses.
8. Sit down each Sunday morning and plan at least four meals for the following week.

Misc.
9. Be more self confident at work while also setting aside my ego.
10. Write in blog at least three times a week.

What are your resolutions?

 

Tis the season

To be exhausted. I thought I would never feel a need to apologize for taking so long between updates but it seems today is the exception. I seem to have done what was bound to occur sooner or later for the way I cram my schedule. This time I left myself with too little flex time for doing things I need to for my sister and her boyfriend’s visit. Now, amid a seriously busy work schedule and the peak of the Master Chorale of Washington choir concert and dress rehearsal holiday schedules I am trying to find the energy to clean and prep for visitors.

In other words, I will probably not have time to update this blog as frequently as I would like. But come the new year or sooner I’ll be back at it.